Wednesday, August 30, 2017

How to Eat Toast without Poisoning Your Celiac Roommate: An Instruction Guide

Procedures Approved by Becca and Annalise, 8/23/17


Setup: All bread will be double bagged, and preferably kept in the freezer. In future, Becca will try NOT to use her celiac roommate’s bags… even if they’re machine washable. Think this through Becca. Gluten-toast will ONLY go in the red toaster to the left of the coffee machine, which will have some sort of tray underneath it. Said tray will not be plastic, because we tried that and we think it melted.
Procedures:

  1. Ask yourself: are you eating things-on-toast because you are too lazy to make yourself something resembling a meal? Spend at least 30 seconds contemplating alternatives.
  2. Prepare space for gluten invasion. Plug in poison-toaster, find and dampen a clean dishtowel, make sure the sink doesn’t contain anything dishwasher-unsafe, check dishwasher for space
  3. If possible, pre-assemble toast toppings to minimize contamination.
  4. Take the bread bag out of the freezer, and open it next to the toaster. Transfer toast over a plate and the toaster tray. Immediately return the bread, rebagged, to the freezer. Extra credit for wiping hands with the now-designated gluten rag.
  5. Turn on toaster. Contemplate whether a $2 toaster from the NPS store says something good or bad about you. Remind self that the melting plastic smell the first time was probably the tray.
  6. PUT THINGS ON GLUTEN TOAST:
    1. Before touching drawers, jars, surfaces etc, wipe hands with the gluten rag.
    2. Things from communal jars (peanut butter, mayonnaise) require separate utensils for scooping and spreading. There is a high likelihood that you will forget this and gluten the scoop spoon and therefore require 3+ utensils. Forgive yourself
    3. If making eggs, do NOT let pan touch the gluten! Hold the pan a couple inches above the bread.
    4. Under no circumstances call smooshed avocado on toast “avocado toast”.
    5. DO NOT put your gluten-fingers in your salt jar. De-gluten your hands first! Alternatively, you could get a salt shaker like a normal human.
  7. Eat toast! Toast is awesome. Do this at the dining room table, as the Annalise has promised she will not lick it.
  8. If possible, transfer dishes straight to dishwasher. If not, make sure the sink is clear of pans, break out the gluten-sponge and do dishes normally. The gluten sponge should also be used to wipe out the sink- Annalise has promised not to lick that either.
  9. Use gluten-rag to wipe down dining table. Put immediately in the wash.
  10. Optional: dance around the kitchen singing “I didn’t poison Annalise” to the tune of Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire”. Pretend this is the first time.

Toast!